In the words of Esther Perel, “the myth that sex is natural has done harm to so many people because it presumes that you should just know rather than the fact that it is something that we learn to appreciate, to experience - we cultivate it. It’s an art and if you think it is natural you often remain ignorant”.
Sex has been massively performance driven, linked by and to outcome; “because we live in an industrialized [culture], we really want to be able to quantify sex: how many orgasms, how long, how hard, how many pills and all of that rather than understanding that the erotic is a beautiful radiant interlude that is massively unproductive. It has no numbers. You can’t measure it. It is a state of being”.
In fact, “many people and women for sure for centuries have done this act, sex, and felt nothing” - but there are more elevated ways of living - sex and the experience of it can actually be a life force. “Connect to this aliveness [then] meaning, purpose, creativity, playfulness, connection to one's self, to ones partner, family and the world”, will follow. Many of us are only connecting to eroticism on a very superficial level and that is a life less lived. But how does one tap into depth? One route is via the practice of conscious sexuality or tantra.
Tantra: How to Find Depth Within The Life You're Living
Tantra and sexual energy are often misunderstood. Goop explains, “we were surprised to find that tantra is not actually about sex at all - or specifically, not at all about sexual technique. Tantra as it is seen in the West is very different from the original ways it was practiced. It is essentially a tradition in which awakening [or enlightenment] is pursued through embodiment, vs. disembodiment in meditation, etc. In the West it has been mostly pursued for its emphasis on using sexual union as one of the vehicles to awakening. In reality, only a small portion of tantra has anything to do with sex, and only as a way to merge with the divine” (Goop).
How tantra or conscious sexuality were taught to me is that because sex has the potential to create another life, sexual energy is the most powerful energy that there is. For men or for women, you can harness this energy to elevate with a partner yes, but if you are single AF like me and if sexual energy is the energy of creation, you can work with it solo and within your own body via meditation and mindfulness to exude creation and productivity throughout your day.
To be and to live in a constant orgasmic state is possible and it manifests as you kicking butt at work coming up with exciting creative ideas, suddenly having the energy to be really productive around the house, you can manifest your dreams to reality, you embody richness, you are magnetic, you glow - when you walk in a room people turn their heads, you are fruitful, you are alive. You embody creation.
The Profound Power Found in the Breasts
For women harnessing this power or sexual energy whether you are with a partner or by yourself, begins with the breasts. “The female breast wields amazing power. Empires have fallen, wills have been revised, millions of magazines and calendars sold, Super Bowl audiences scandalized” (Psychology Today).
Sadly, conversations around a woman’s chest in the west are often extremely critical, “they’re too small or too big, too saggy or the nipples are funny… We don’t pay them a lot of attention, and when we do, it’s generally negative thoughts” (Jacqueline Hellyer). It is time to change this conversation - women the things you say to yourself and our partners, the way in which you hold us.
The study and practice of tantra which began in the 6th century, a yoga and meditative tradition from the East, denotes that a woman’s breasts are where she derives her power, “female sexual energy is raised in the breasts” (Making Love a Meditation).
Aude of The Intimacy Guide explains, “a woman’s breasts are her positive pole - this is how she gives, this is how she goes out into the world”. In essence, this is how a woman opens up, how she is empowered. Tantric teachings explain, “energy can only be raised from a positive pole, not from a passive, receptive pole. The breasts are the positive dynamic pole from which energy is awakened, the key to accessing the female body. The true way to expand female sexual energy is to initially shift the emphasis away from the vagina and clitoris toward the breasts. The vagina/clitoris, which is the usual starting point in conventional sex, is energetically speaking - the passive, receptive pole in the female body. In truth, the vagina can only become fully alive and energized via the positive and dynamic pole of the breasts. Through merging with her breasts a woman is capable of experiencing the most profound orgasmic states” (Making Love a Meditation). “If you honor your breasts, give them lots of cuddles, treat them well and love them, and allow and invite your partner to do the same, you’ll feel a lot more positive about yourself as a woman”, you will walk with the energy of creation and life (Jacqueline Hellyer).
The Intimacy Guide's Taoist Breast Massage For Women
Sign me up! How do you do this?
Women: to awaken the breasts, simply start by noticing and finally being nice to them. Change the internal conversation in your head that berates, to one of self love. It starts with you and then maybe invite your partner to honor your chest as well.
Partners: to bypass a woman’s breasts is a mistake. Pretend they are candy - go there, stay there, be there. Respect and honor them.
You can move on to do routines and rituals that help awaken energy in this region - Aude from The Intimacy Guide shared with me a morning Taoist based breast massage you can do even in bed when you first wake up. Here’s the recipe:
1) It involves holding your breasts, cupping them, and smiling into them - appreciate their power and nurturing abilities.
2) Next shake them to activate the energy that is there.
3) Next massage them from the exterior to the interior 36 times
4) Pause and smile into your breasts
5) Massage your breasts in the other direction from the interior to the exterior also 36 times.
6) Next pinch the nipples and smile into your breasts
7) Next massage the nipples in one direction 36 times
8) Massage the nipples in the opposite direction for 36 times again
9) This series activates the positive pole of the woman which are the breasts. “This is how we give, this is how we go out into the world”. Once you have activated the energy you can mediate and actively move the energy all through your body.